Sunburns

I know, I know... great observation Rombus, sunburns suck. Well don't get ahead of me, lubenuts, I'm here to tell you why they are good. That's right, sunburns are good for somethings once you get past that whole skin cancer rubbish everyone lectures you about the day after you show up with the burn.

If you're like me, then you basically have two skin tones - sun burnt and pasty white. All you jerks who can lay out in the sun and become a golden brown can kiss my left nut. When pasty white, like many a person, one is prone to the occasional break out. Red blemishes all over the face show up all the more with the nice contrast of a white background. Sooooo sunburns are great for getting you back to the nice smooth skin of yesteryear and giving you time to clear up. So that's reason #1.

Reason #2 comes much later. This occurs a few days after the burn when everyone has dropped all their stupid little comments and letting you know that you have a burn ('Oh really?... You don't say?... I'm burnt?... Maybe if 20 more people tell me I'll actually clue in. *1 hour later* What the fuck?!?!?! I have a sunburn!') Man I hate that. Getting back to my point, depending where you are burned you'll experience this joy much quicker. That's right the joy of peeling. Now I agree, certain places such as the face peeling skin can be quite embarrassing and annoying. I'm talking about the skin that peels on oft-covered places like the shoulders or chest. Who among us doesn't get satisfaction from starting a peel that ends with nearly a palm-sized piece of skin? If you said, "I don't!" then you are a liar and a cheat. That's right, see if I ever play Go Fish with you again. Just admit it, get over yourself, and give me your tens.

There you have it. The two reasons why sunburns are good, aside from the hilarity that can ensue if you manage to put something on your friend while they sleep so they wake up with a nice outline on their back or stomach. Handprints often work nicely and are readily available.

Body Symmetry

Now as we should all have realized by now, the average body is very symmetrical. Because of this we have pretty much two of everything unless it happens to appear in the centre line of our bodies. After careful comparison of each pair you should notice that your arms are the same length, eyes are on level with each other (unless your some Sylvester Stallone look alike) and even my nipples which I must say are quite nonthreatening are equal in size (puny) and usefulness (none). I also realize that this is more an external feature feature than an internal one; however, the paired internal organs are either misaligned or slightly different in shape to accommodate singular internal organs. This brings me to my question, 'Why does one nut hang lower than the other?'

Notice I did not say always as there exist special cases when its hard to judge. One case is during those cold winter days when the balls don't even want to make an appearance and pretty much abandon the sac for a warmer climate. The other case is during the dog days of summer when pretty much every guy suffers from serious BOT (Balls On Thigh). No matter how breezy the shorts may be, some summer days can be be painful if you make a wrong step whilst your boys are pushing the sac's limits of elasticity. Aside from those times, on your average day with your average guy and his average berries (believe me as I have asked a few of my peers, solely for research reasons of course) and there is more often than not a fella that hangs lower than his bro. To further prove my point this has actually been documented by Leonardo Da Vinci. Take a look at his Vitruvian Man, I'd say there is a distinct dominate testicle. *Feel free to click on the link as it goes to the picture. Just a new feature I hope to bring to some future rants.*

I've been entertaining some theories. The first is the possibility of linking the dominate hanger to one's dominate hand. However, this theory was quickly rebuffed as many of my peers did not report a correlation between lefthandedness and left nuttedness, similar righthandedness and right nuttedness, nor was there a significant correlation going the other way. You know how the left brain controls the right side of the body. I was thinking of maybe the wires kinda crossed at the testicles and switched back at the legs. You know, like double helix type thing.

Other theories that have arisen basically fall into circumstantial events. Like what position were you sleeping in when your balls dropped. Its possible the legs were sorta crossed allowing one to squirt out yet blocking the other. I really have no clue. All I know is that the one that's said to hang lower always lower, while the other likes his higher perch. Maybe its a cooling mechanism in the body. Like its better to stagger them instead of hugging them together to aid sperm production.

Whatever the reason is it seems to be working as babies are being squirted out all over the place with no end in sight. Its just always been something I've wondered about is all.

Self Burn

If I was any more hilarious I would be Kathy Griffin...... BURN! Ah, sometimes you just have to tell yourself stuff like that to keep your ego in check.

Can anyone tell me why the phrase " So I says to Mabel, Mabel I says..." is so funny? If you say that to most people you will usually get a chuckle.

To go back to my light switch rant. I went to a house kegger where the bathroom light was actually on the outside of the room on the same panel as the hallway light. What the hell is that about? Not only is having the bathroom light in the hall a prank in the making but for everyone in the hall or next room the lights keep going on and off as people accidently hit that switch when searching for the bathrooms. Geez Louise, I tell ya, sometimes I think electricians aren't fully sober before coming to work.

Convertibles

Do people with convertibles lock their doors? Everytime time I see one in a parking lot I wonder that. Then I wonder why people with shit cars lock their doors when the convertible is a much nicer target.

Let There Be Light

If I'm not mistaken that is one of the first lines in the Bible, if not the first. It also happens to be what I expect when I enter a bathroom. You see when I'm being the "God" to my bathroom and I feel its time to smite the toilet bowl with a natural disaster, i.e. torrential downpour or mudslide (haha sorry about the shitty imagery *you can groan for that pun for it was intended*), I expect that when I flick the switch (let there be light) then there will be light. I don't believe anywhere in the Bible does it say "Let there be fan". Now don't get me wrong, the fan is a superb addition to any bathroom as I make great use of mine, however it is annoying how every time I go to flick the switch I inevitably hit the fan first rather than the light. After having to follow some people I do admit I don't mind making that mix up.

So to all those electricians and pseudo-electricians I want you to separate these to switches so that when I'm feeling the wall in the dark I will always turn on the light. None of this putting them together on the same light pad cuz there have been too many times where I've noticed the fan is actually the closest one to the door. How does that make any sense? I especially hate the fan/light combo switch, as it is an annoyance when I'm trying to catch up on some reading (I like me quiet time). Or if I'm making a late night stop and wish to maintain my half dream state, the loud whirring always brings me to full awake mode.

And what's with the bathrooms with the hidden light switches? You know the ones I'm taking about. Where you have to resort to two hands feeling up and down the wall like some panicked mime. God forbid you make the mistake of closing the door and locking it first before finding the switch. Sometimes the never appears and you must attempt to go ahead blind. In these cases I suggest sitting down no matter what your initial intentions were.

Obviously, people share in this hatred of the fan getting top billing on the light pad two quite ingenious solutions have been implemented. 1) Make the light switch glow for your easy flicking needs and 2) I lived in a house where the fan station was actually split into 4 or 5 buttons each designed to run the fan for a certain length of time (usually in 5 or 10 minute increments) . I must say this, heaven on earth my friends, heaven.. on.. earth.

So kudos to those who are fighting the good fight against the evil fan switch, one day no man will ever mistakenly turn on the fan before the light. That day will one day be referred to as "The day of world peace". I'm making the assumption that world peace and this only light/fan thing will coincidently come to a head on the same day.