Ninja Turtle review

Occasionally, I like to give others the opportunity to use this forum to let off some steam.

I found this clip of a review of the original Ninja Turtles NES game. For anybody who played this this guy makes some hilarious points. However, I suggest you stop the clip at about the 6:30 mark as he goes on a swearing tirade which ruins the rest of his review. I also suggest watching this after a couple beers to increase the level of hilarity.

http://www.yikers.com/video_hilarious_review_of_original_ninja_turtles_game.html

enjoy

Million Dollar Idea

Don't you just hate it when you wash a pair of jeans and then when you next go to wear them that thing happens? You all know what I'm talking about. You go to zip up the fly, but somehow due to spinning around in water for about 40 minutes the zipper has managed to jam itself into the crux of the fly. It takes a good minute before you can actually pry that sucker out of there and get your pants all done up.

Now here's the idea. A little clip that you can put on the zipper to prevent the jamming. The brilliance is threefold. One: It'll be cheap enough that most people will buy it ( it may come with the pants). Two: Nobody will actually use it since its just a small clip you must find everytime you do a wash and Three: I can't really think of another reason, I just wanted to say threefold. Twofold doesn't do it for me.

...and your change

Now I have never been a cashier and honestly do not ever see myself becoming one. Since I will not be able to make a difference from the inside I'm left to forcing my will on cashiers via this blog (which I'm sure is littered with casual cashier visitors). As I said, I have never been on that side of a transaction, but my experience of receiving change leads me to feel like somewhat of an expert. Seriously, it isn't a hard talent to hone. So I beg of you cashiers why the "bills on the bottom, coins on top" method. It is ridiculously inefficient. The "change first, bills on top" is by far a better method in my books. The latter method may also be called the "Palm and Pinch". Lets look at the advantages and disadvantages of each method shall we?

Bills on the bottom method: The only advantage I can see with this is that it allows the cashier to count out the change to the customer in a more traditional manner, largest denominations to smallest. Now I'm sure there are some people out there who appreciate this lesson in counting; however, my addition skills are quite good and a quick glance at a pile of coins is all I (and most) people, aside from kids and decrepit seniors, need to assess if the correct change was indeed given. I myself could care less if they're off by a dime or so as I am not a big fan of coinage in the first place. Now if the counting is for the cashier's sake, as I realize their are ass-monkeys out their who will haggle over that missed nickel, I'd be fine with you holding the bills until you count the change and drop into my hand.

Disadvantage - As this is not a really advanced topic there is also one disadvantage; however, the annoyance it causes far outweighs the above advantage. It is the whole idea of balancing. By having the coins sliding around on top basically minimalizes the usefulness of one's hand. Basically, you are only using the fact that your hand has a surface area on which to lay things. Now I don't have a coin pouch in my wallet, so this next point adds to my annoyance. Where most girls can throw the change in their purse or guys can use bills as a makeshift chute to slide the coins into the pouch I often have to resort to the ole 'crumple and pocket' storage system. Then I just have to worry about getting the bills into my wallet at a later date. You may be saying "Just use the makeshift chute to slide the change into you're other hand and then deposit the bills into your wallet accordingly, you lazy bastard." Well then I guess you're new and have yet to realize that I can be quite fickle. That's right I said fickle. Plus, you'd basically be telling me to do the work to switch to the "Palm and Pinch", thus proving my point of how it would be more efficient if the cashier were to do that right of the bat. Haha suckers, I win.

I could do the advantages and disadvantages of the "palm and pinch", but I feel those are apparent from the argument above. At least I hope they are apparent with the main advantage of one being able to palm change while using our evolved ability to use our opposable thumbs. There is one modified method of "bills on the bottom" that doesn't bother me too much, its just the situation that it always occurs in that bugs me. This modification is when the person just lays the change on the counter. This well I'm able to scoop off the change and then pick up the bills. Unfortunately, this method is often used in bars where the counter top is often covered in condensation or spills. So I'm left having to pick up soggy bills. Maybe its the bartenders way of drying up the counter while in a rush. In which case I find it quite ingenious, just too bad it had to be at my expense. No pun intended*.

*Not sure if that actually was a pun, but it seemed close enough.

In closing, I make a final plea to those oblivious cashiers to switch to giving coins first then bills. I kept help but feel it would make the world a better place.

Take the gum

If you aren't already chewing gum, then you should always take a piece when offered. That person may be trying to tell you something.

The Seal

This rant was inspired by a buddy of mine, lets call him.."Goobs". Now this fellow is particulary susceptible to the whole 'breaking the seal' followed by frequent trips to the pisser aspect of drinking. Like I mean he literally drinks half his glass then goes to the can for at least 5 minutes. Where all this extra piss comes from I don't know. I'm leaning to the idea that his pressure is no more powerful than a leaky faucet. Anyways, I have proposed a theory to fixing the breaking of the seal. I shall use fat people as a way to better explain my theory.

Why do fat people get fat? Big bonededness? Perhaps thats true for a small number of cases. Slow metabolism? Makes sense. Eating non-stop? I think we've hit a major part of the problem. But how does this relate to peeing frequently? I'm not sure exactly but lets see where this goes. Ok, so the more they eat, the more their stomachs must hold. Therefore, their stomach's expand to accomodate the excess food. Hence, we get fat people who use stomach stapling as a means to lose weight. Now we're getting somewhere.

So all Goobs needs to do is make his bladder expand. Now obviously he has the excessive drinking going on so no more can be done in that manner to expand the bladder. What he and other people in the same boat need to do is give the bladder the time to expand. This means not going the second you feel the need. Sure this may be uncomfortable at first but give it time. You be the master of the house, not your bladder. Not only will you expand your bladder, but in this process, you will experience some of the most enjoyable pisses in your life. Anyone who has managed to hold it in way past their believed breaking point understands the euphoria one experiences after you can actually relieve yourself. Over time the bladder will grow, in theory, so that your trips to the can no longer, ironically, break the flow of conversation. There is irony there if you look for it.

Until next time, keep on drinking!

Nurples

So I was reading the dictionary the other day, and by reading I mean looking up a word. During my search I came up with the idea to see if nurple is actually in the dictionary. The idea probably stemmed from the fact that I was a victim of a greeting nurpling earlier in the day. Every guy has that friend who instead of a high five, handshake, fist pound, nod and 'what's up' to say hello, prefer to go for the surprise nurple. Not every time mind you, they switch it up just keep you off guard. And since they do it to most of their friends, they have honed their craft and developed an accuracy and speed which leaves little room for the target to elude the oncoming pinchers of pain. My nipples are also surprisingly tiny so kudos to that fellow. Why I congratulate him you ask?

* side note: you're only asking if you're a woman, guys understand this point*
Although painful, you must recognize the skill involved. I guess in a way it is a lot like a good burn. Although embarrassed, you recognize the hilarity (if you aren't some elitist snob of a person that is a.k.a. mature) if the burn were directed at someone else.

So anyways, I was looking up nurple and to my surprise it was not recognized as a word by Mr. Webster. I say surprising since you would think the people who write dictionaries (or update them for that matter) have had their fair share of nurples during their youth. Sure I'm being stereotypical here but I'm willing to bet they still get the occasional one these days. Its also surprising since the word has been a part of our vocabulary since elementary school. Meanwhile bling made it in after only a few years of circulation.

As one last comment, nurples have also been commonly referred to as purple nurples. I assume this is because the two words rhyme and we all know how kids like things that rhyme ( makes it easier to chant). However, 'nurple' is already derived from 'purple' and 'nipple'. So by saying purple nurple you are actually being somewhat redundant. Annoyingly redundant (after a good 15 years of hindsight). Or as a good friend of mine would say repetitively redundant. Its like when you are asked to give your SSN number for some forms. "So you want my social security number number?" The only time I will let the phrase purple nurple go is if the nurple becomes so common place that nurpling simply refers to the act of the nipple twist, while a purple nurple actually results in a bruise. But we can hardly get into these semantics now since a nurple isn't even an official thing or act yet as it has no formal definition. Until then I beg of you all to restrict yourselves to say only 'nurple' or 'purple nipple'. I give these options since I know nobody will say "I'm going to purple nipple you!" as it just sounds wrong.

Hopefully I have written nurple enough in order to speed up the process of getting accepted into Webster's fine piece of bookery. Just thought I'd lay the ground work for 'bookery' crusade.

Until next time, keep on nurpling!