The Summer Spectacular!!!

Alright folks, how are ye all doing on this particularly humid day? I was saving this rant for quite some time as I was waiting for the weather to match up with the content. Well here we go...

Water Parks. As a kid it was always such a treat when we got to go to the local water park, but how much fun did we actually have? The more I think about my times at the SportsWorlds and Bingemans the more I realize what I actually experienced. Shall we start off with the water slides? I think we shall. So here we are climbing about 10 stories of stairs in order to get to the top of the slide. Heaven forbid you came from the pool cuz by now you're shivering like its the middle of winter, since most of us were 80 lbs of nothing, so the crisp winds 10 storeys up turned your nips into glass cutters. But I digress. Finally its your turn to go down the slide, " Whoopeeeeee!" you may have hollered as you push down the initial drop. However, after about the 3rd turn, as soon as your out of view of the slide attendent you start to slow down. You come to a stretch where you actually come to a stop on the slide, like they lined this section with old person non-slip grips. And because you stopped, your trunks have wedgied themselves nicely up into the crotch, revealing more thigh then anyone needs to see. Yet you sit there for a second hoping the trickles of water may get you moving once again. Maybe you look around to take in the view. Then panic hits you. Any second that dumbass attendent is gonna let the next kid go and you know that a) This kid will be immune to the slowing powers of the slide b) Will be one of those gross kids with the perma-koolaid mustache and peanut butter breath, c) Will soon be plowing right into your ass, and d) will likely have sharp toenails just to make the collision that much worse. So now your adrenaline has kicked in and you're scootching down the slide as fast as possible, working your scrawny arms as hard as possible. Only once you've almost reached the bottom does gravity decide to kick back in and you get shot into the collection pool. Now it is here that all the water pressure that should have been on the slide is used. If you're lucky and come out with your feet up you can skim along the top of the pool to the exit stairs. Otherwise the jets almost drown you, while simultaneously pushing you into the corner of the collection pool where there are about 3 other kids trying their hardest to get out of the jet stream and over to the stairs. Yet after all the hypothermic shivering, panic-stricken scootching and near drowning we always wanted to go right back up again. Being stupid kids we quickly associated the adrenaline rush with it being a fun slide, rather then near-collision/ near-drowning ordeal.

Speed slides. Now those are a joke. These things are pure gravity. The inclines are such that you barely even touch the slide. In fact, Sportsworld's speed slides are just 2 red tubes that you hop through and drop into the pool below. Why the need for tubes? Beats the hell out of me. I guess its more alluring then just a ledge and telling kids to jump off it like lemmings.

Enough of the fond memories of water parks and on to another thing that I don't enjoy about the warm weather. *Back story* Ok, this is actually something I like to do year round. When I'm walking down the street I sometimes like to catch the eye of someone in a passing vehicle. Then try to engage them in a bit of a staredown. The fun comes from the fact that you will always win, since its a lot easier and safer for me to turn around and continue staring as long as the driver has the guts too have his/her eyes of the road. * End back story*
Well the other day I was trying to partake in this game of mine when I notice a car coming close. To my dismay the driver is about 300 lbs of topless blob. Curse you, sun!!! What a horrible turn for the worse to be caught in a staredown with a sweaty man-boob. So hypnotically revolting that I still "won" as I couldn't look away. This brings me to my next point. Large people, you would be better off keeping your shirt on while driving in your cars as you'll probably sweat off a few pounds before you reach your destination.

In closing, I'd like to thank all those who commented on the snail blog. Who would of thought that snails were the topic that would get everyone talking. Well, until next time , have yourselves a good summer.