Cheers!

I remember the good old days when the saying of cheers was almost always followed by the clinking of glasses and then the drinking of drinks. These days I find cheers is being used in the place of everything from thank you very much to good game of ping pong mate. It must stop people. It is time to learn some new words as to not wear out a word which single handedly makes people accept even the worst of speeches.

Recently a guy asked if the seat next to me on the train was taken. I said 'Go for it'. He said 'Cheers'. I thought 'What the hell am I supposed to do with that?' I'm not about to say cheers back because I save it for festive occasions. I'm not going to say 'no problem' or ' you're welcome' cuz i'm not completely sure he was thanking me for not using two seats.

A lot of the time it just sounds phony to me when people say cheers, as in the above example, for no particular reason other than to sound... cultured i guess is the best way to put it. I'd actually prefer someone to say peace or peace out (if its being used as a see you later) to convey an atmosphere of togetherness, no matter how outdated the words may seem. Its ridiculous to be cheering every stupid, mundane situation.

And isn't it bad luck to not take a drink after you cheers? So basically now I have at least three people a day throwing bad luck upon me since i do not have a refreshment on hand. I don't want to be constantly cup in hand to battle these cheersing drones. I'm not a superstitious fellow, but I could see how it could drive someone batty.

So everyone please conserve your cheers for the times when it actually makes sense and in the meantime try to expand your vocabulary. There are other words that express what you're trying to convey, when cheersing, much less ambiguously.

Peace out homies.

Unicorns

This thought came to me after I was driving home from a Sourkeys/Vermicious Knid show in Waterloo and my new cd of the Knid ended. The cd player then switched to the next cd which happened to be the Irish Rovers. I should point out here that I was driving my parent's car and that is why the rovers were in the player. Anyways, the first song was about unicorns. You know the one with Noah, the green alligators and the humpdy backed camels. So I began to wonder about this supposedly beautiful, angelic creature they call a unicorn.

Personally, I feel if one existed it would actually be pretty ugly. Seriously, what other creature in the animal kingdom with a horn(s) protruding from its head is considered beautiful? The rhino? Nope. A goat? I don't think so. A narwhal? Ha, gimme a break.

I'd compare the legend of the unicorn to that of the Tasmanian devil. You see this great wicked creature on tv, albeit a cartoon, but when you go to a zoo and see the real thing you're horribly disappointed when you just see a large rodent. It doesn't even spin for God's sake! If anything I believe a unicorn would be quite mangy. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if you went to a zoo with a unicorn ( humour me in assuming they ever existed) and instead of seeing this gorgeous pegasus you see this animal resembling a gnu whose making some horrible grunting noise because it got its horn stuck in a tree trunk.

A couple wishes

Here's a couple things I would like to add to my wish list. One of them will hopefully be accomplished in my life time while the other would just be nice.

My first beef is with the door people. Thats right, any of you mothers out there who manufacture doors for public buildings. There is absolutely no need to put grippable handles on the side of the door that is to be pushed. Unless that's how you get your jollies. It is isn't it? Watching schmoes lean into the door to give it a real good yank, since a bar is obviously intended to be pulled, only to be rejected and humiliated by its lack of opening. How hard is it to have a handle on one side and nice shiny rectangle on the other side?

Second of all, I wish that my arms were retractable. I don't believe this counts as an answer to the "what kind of super power do you want?" question as I don't see how beneficial to fighting crime it would be. However, I still wish for this ability nonetheless. Mainly because i find that some times my arms just get in the way and/or i just don't know what to do with them. This is why you can see me with my trademark pitcher and glass at the Bomber as it keeps me hands/arms busy. You can only do so much with free arms, like when I'm standing in line I'll do the crossing of the arms or the hands in the pockets deal, but if its a long wait, ie White Water Canyon line at Wonderland, both techniques get tiresome and I'm left to hang my pipes at my side like two waterlogged water noodles hanging off my shoulders. Man that may have been my worst analogy ever.

Numerous times my arms have kept me from getting into that perfect sleeping position. I'll be on my side and no matter what I try there is no getting that arm out from under me without sticking it up over my head. Then that just ruins pillow position and it becomes a whole thing and then I finally get good and settled I'm so worked up that there's no way I'm gonna fall asleep before I have to move around again.

Thats it for now. So to the door makers of the world and to my arms, I want you to be less annoying in the future with what you do. Alright? Alright.

The Unexplained Phenomenon

Now I've discussed this particular natural occurence with some friends and although some rather humourous explanations have been given I don't believe any scientific answer has ever been put forth. What I speak of is the piss shiver. I'm unsure if women ever suffer from this seemingly random event, however I know most guys know exactly what I'm talking about as the name says it all. If nothing else I would guess that it is the main culprit for mens' reputation for having bad aim when using a toilet.

Some of my favourite theories to explain the cause of a piss shiver:
1) Mini orgasm- Since the wang has two functions is it possible that during urination something is triggered causing the body to react in a similar way to the second function? Now I'll admit when forced to hold it, my pee not wang, that when I finally get to go, it is one of best feelings in the world. As I believe both genders can agree on. But I can't say for sure that the occurence of piss shiver increases at these times, which one may expect to happen if the mini orgasm is true. Also the fact that piss shiver happens only about 2-3 times per week seems to go against the idea of mini orgasm.
2) Rapid loss of warm fluid (RLOWF) - This theory seems to make sense. One is feeling good, then there is a RLOWF and one may shiver as their body suffers a rapid cooling if you will. However, if this theory were true wouldn't women then also suffer from piss shiver? Also wouldn't a similar shiver occur when throwing up? Though upchuck isn't nearly as warm I'd imagine that your body would still lose a considerable amount of heat during the process.
3) Result of exposing the nether region- This may explain the gender bias of the piss shiver. The male junk is infamous for its unforgiving sensitivity. Just ask any man who as swam in cold water, had his junk grazed by with a passing object or has been downright sacked. But piss shiver has been observed in diapered babies and for that matter diapered geriatrics. Not by me personally, but by more devoted spirits to the piss shiver cause. I can also attest to the fact that I probably get a good piss shiver in the middle of a hot summer just as often as I do during the winter.

Now I've been sitting at my desk and have gotten a chill from time to time and shivered. And I've been left thinking where the hell did that come from. This event seems rather normal among everybody. When I was little I was told it happened because somebody 'walked over my grave' . But why does it seem the occurence of a shiver dramatically increases during a tinkle? Is it because I just happen to be more focussed? Maybe its because the effects of piss shiver are more noticeable than your run of the mill shiver. I guess until someone can come up with an explanation us men must be prepared for anything. But don't let the fear of piss shiver overwhelm you. I'm pretty sure thats why urinals were invented. Nothing better then getting a good piss shiver while at a urinal and you can take full advantage of all the space.

Please leave any ideas and explanations or possible preventative methods. And girls if you ever get piss shiver let us know, anonymously is prefered, as it could be useful knowledge.