The Inaugural Rant

Hello! Ok, done with the greeting portion of this message.
I have been putting this off for awhile until I was good and ready.
I feel I've collected enough material to put out the first of many
rants. Plus I am feeling a nice mix of being sauced and tired to
really get the writing juices flowing. If I make any typos they are
the result of the aforementioned state and should be disregarded
upon sight (the typos not the point I'm conveying). Fuck just
starting and already 2 maybe 3 big words, get used to it.

I am going to start off by airing some of my personal pet peeves.
First of all, I hate the the term pet peeves because it implies they
are your favourite hates thus making them almost sentimental hates
even though you have dealt with them in some fashion. Anyways, what
really grinds my gears (credit Family Guy movie for that term) is
noisy eaters. Partly because I'm not a morning person and mainly
because slurping and the sound of chewing and the sound of a spoon
clinging a bowl during cereal consumption just drives me up the
wall. My family realizes this. I used to yell at them in the
mornings but eventually stopped realizing its my problem and instead
would just storm into the shower. (Storming = irately, yet
cautiously making sure the bathroom was void of other non-breakfast
eating family members.) Now I realize Asian customs say slurping is
a complement to the cook,but fuck its annoying as hell. It really
is. There is no need. I bring up the Asian point because a fellow
co-op student of mine, who don't get me wrong is a decent guy and
all, would slurp his orange juice so loud every morning it was
insane. Another thing that bothers the hell out of me is when people
speak a different language other than English in my presence. Usually its
some form of chinese (mandorin or cantonese) just cuz I'm either in
Toronto or Waterloo but I can see Spanish or Portugese being just as
annoying. Again its not like its wrong to speak a language you've learned
but say I'm on a bus sitting opposite two people speaking
a different language, fuck, everyone has the right to eavesdrop on
the conversation. thats an unspoken rule is it not? Cuz eventually
they start laughing and looking around and it makes you paranoid as
hell. I know its not done on purpose, hopefully, but if
its not an official language of the country its like some cruel code
used to make fun at my expense. I say official language cuz I know enough
French to get by. Basically I'm saying its not fair that they can
eavesdrop on me and understand everything I say and then they can
go into their code language anytime they want privacy or to share an
insult/joke. Thats bullshit. In 1st year there were guys on the
basement floor who used to do the insult thing until my buddy Arthur
said 'Guys, I can understand you.' Man that knocked me out, it
really did. i love it when that happens.

Similar to the noisy eating thing is sniffling/hacking/clearing of
throats on public transportation. I'll be waiting for the train in
the morning with everyone else and people are having pleasant
conversations and it really is fine. Then as soon as we board, its
like some kind of bodily orchestra is tuning up. Its revolting! I
inevitably sit in front of the leader of the day on average twice a
week. They always switch it up I swear, its not like I'm stupid
enough to always sit in front of the same hackensniffler.
I know they can't help it, and I hate myself when I become a
bandmate but fuck I'd rather have snot dripping down my face and
wipe it now and again, on my sleeve if nothing else, to spare my
fellow passengers. I can position myself to spare them the visual.
And all I ask for is the same kind of compassion in return.

Another thing i've noticed is about the ctrl-alt-del combo. Could
they have made that more awkward to do one-handed? I know what your
thinking and haha I'm only using one hand on the keyboard. But
honestly half the time its just tha I like to lounge sideways in my
chair and am too lazy to reposition myself to use both hands. I'm
finally getting better at contorting my hand to accomplish the
single-handed ctrl-alt-del feat but man would it kill them to line
delete up with alt and ctrl. Currently I have some mystery button
there that I'm pretty sure hasn't been touched in all the years I've had
this keyboard.

Moving on to dress clothes. Now i know that most guys love shopping
for suits. In fact its pretty much the only clothes shopping we do
enjoy. Shoe shopping bites, pants are annoying with having to try
them on and all, tops are bearable but we would rather just cope
with birthday and christmas gifts than go out and try shit on. But
suits, man when you do that you feel like a mobster. Its nice being
all gussied up and having some guy who is at least 3x your age
fucking down on his face chalking your pants to make sure its the
proper fit. It makes you feel big and important. But even then
some parts of the the getup bother me. First and foremost are the
dress socks. Why is it the sweatsocks easily have the right
elasticity to them yet dress socks apparently need to be
ridiculously tighter. Its ridiculous. Seriously. After work or
wherever you are you come home, take them off and instantly you can
see where your sock was because your shin becomes 3 times skinnier
instantly. And at the opposite end, some dress socks your put on
and they are so loose you take a couple steps and suddenly you're
barefoot with a ball of material in the toe of your shoe. Come on!
Merge with sweatsock/sport sock companies if need be and learn their
apparently secret elasticity formula. Another thing is round
shoelaces. First they can't give me socks that maintain the
continuity in the shape of my shin but now they can't give me a lace
that will stay tied for more than an hour. And I've tried double
knotting but fuck that only gives me another hour leeway tops.
One thing I do like though is about the dress shirts. If I decide
not to a t-shirt underneath my dress shirt sometime I like to sneak
my finger in and play with my belly button. Just for kicks.
Actually I'm 22 now, maybe I should stop doing that.
Fine its official, I shall call it a navel. I like to play
with my navel and dress shirts allow easy access. Now its not some
kind of perverted playing, its just fun.

People always look at people with fullbody tattoos, I'm talking
about the ones where 95% of their body is covered, like they are weird
and complete morons. People will think that even if they don't visually or
verbally express it. But we all appreciate that there are those who
have the work done so that we at least know what it looks like.

After going to Vegas, i am spoiled with the oversized revolving
doors. I really am. They have it so about 4 people can go through in
the same section comfortably. Now I'm back to the shitty one-man
sections that interrupt conversations and traffic jam flow in and
out of buildings when with a large group of people. Ridiculous.
Also, sometimes I like to be all macho. Mainly when I'm approaching
an automatic door. I'll be like ' I'm not slowing down, cuz I know
you'll open for me you son of a bitch. I'm just gonna walk through
as if you weren't even there.' Then you notice the door is reacting
very slowly to the confident power stride. Eventually you have to
slow down about an inch from the door to avoid looking like an idiot
(for purposely walking into a glass door). Man I hate it when
automatic doors punk me out like that. I really do. Honest to God.

If you go to Vegas, gamble at the Stardust and look for the dealers
Bobby, Ann or Janet. They win you money. Dealers Yan and Sunny
won't help you, but they're awesome and you'll win due to the
former's teachings. Susan fucking has a horseshoe crammed up her ass
and there is know way to beat her.

I'll let you guys digest this and I'll be back with another issue of The Rombus Rant.